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Mah Calendar|
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Friday, March 07, 2008
life?!when it rains..
it's like friggin hurricane katrina mayun.
really,
rock, rock, bottom!
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Tuesday, February 26, 2008
you always, always move on.me, being here right now,
able to feel this longing for yet again another lad is an epitome of what moving on is.
it is indeed just a vicious cycle that consumes your life.
and you feel like you have reached rock bottom.
and that there are no other fishes in the sea.
but in reality, you're just being stubborn.
and you're just holding on to what is/was convenient for you.
you just want to wallow, and feel sorry for yourself.
thinking that "you'll never again" feel that way.
but im pretty sure you will.
every relationship is different.
i feel like although it's all short-term.
i have learned from all of this.
maybe, it's not that evident.
but really, i think i am a lot aware of what is going on..
and hence, the trust issues.
just reading about past experiences..
it amazes me of how i've seem so sure about my feelings about a certain someone.
there was always a point in my life that i really did care for someone.
and there was always a point of i had to let them go.
it's a sad tale. but hey when things don't work out.. right?
i mean, we're better off now. and i'm not at all bothered by it.
right now, im thinking to myself, "wow, really what the hell was i thinking?"
moving on is acceptance.
i can now look at my bestfriend in the eye and know that i don't feel a slight hint of romantic feelings towards him.
i can bump into an old fling, and it would probably have me shook up..
but in the end, i know i finally got that peace of mind.
and really, after every break up or after the end of every relationship..
i think that's the one thing people just wishes to feel again.
to be okay without that other person, to not be affected in any way by that person's doings.
one day that day will come for me.. but why is it that i want to hide in the hope of maybe.. he's not just any other memory that should be forgotten? it could just me being drawn to the idea of cute love story.. whatever.
feelings will eventually fade.
i'll be fine to hear that he found someone new.
like im fine with the past having a wife and a baby on the way, oh and that pending wedding right?
really, i know i will.
if he's not the one, then he's not the one.
it's fine.
maybe a friendship will develop along the way.
and maybe when the time is right.
and there is no mass of land or water in between us.
and we both come to realize that maybe we can both make it work, if we just tried..
then maybe, it can happen.
i'm open to that possibility.
i'll allow myself to wallow.
and toss and turn at night, thinking of other possibilities.
read old emails/text messages.
and recall silly memories.
but also all at the same time, im open to embracing possibility of moving on..
and just dealing with these emotions as they come.
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Monday, February 25, 2008
it's fine. ditto.and so im back to tending to xanga. because desperate times call for desperate measure.. and i really can't be wasting my time on myspace. so, i did the inevitable and asked rachelle to change my password. wow, i've never had do that before. it's for the best.. i'm pretty sure it will help me academically. HAH. because really if myspace was a major in college.. i'd have my PHD by now. HAHA.
and i think i'm freely able to express my thoughts on here.
can i just say i doubt that i'll get sleep tonight?
i'll probably toss and turn.
ram gave me the validation that i just got a goodbye text.
and really a big part of me wants to accept it as a i want you back text.
but really, let's not fool ourselves.
it's one thing for another person to lie to you..but it's a different story when you lie to yourself.
as much as i'd love to reply..i miss talking to you too.
and i miss everything about whatever things were between us..
and i still really do care.
i know it would serve no purpose, at this point at least.
and wow, was that a hint of hope?
someone please tell me to just let that shit go..
please.
and even if i do decide to say something back..
i wouldn't know what to say.
=/
i wish moving on is as easy as a barracks whore.
and that's what i think about that!
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Saturday, February 23, 2008
moving on.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
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Sunday, August 06, 2006, 11:39:44 PM
dear --,
heyy..i
just wanted to wish you a happy birthday. i know we haven`t talked in a
while..but i didn`t want you to think i forgot your birthday.. and i
guess this is my way of letting you know that i still care... despite many other reasons not to.
i`m sorry if i just kinda disappeared from your life. but it`s probably
for the best right? see.. now you won`t feel obligated to check in on
me.. and you won`t have to deal with my bitching. believe me when i say
it`s hard for me to do what i did. i mean despite everything that
happened.. in the end truth be told.. i fell for you.
it wasn't intended knowing your situation with ---.. i guess this thing
just kinda happens.. and when it happens.. you can`t really help it
right? we had our moments.. it sucks how things got complicating
between us. don`t worry i won`t point fingers here.. what happened happened.
you make choices and never look back right? i made a choice to fall for
you, knowing the consequences.. i made a choice to believe you and let
you lie to me.. but if there was one thing i can ask you right now.. it
would be, why did you have to lie? i mean seriously, i think we would
have been in better terms if you just told me the truth from the get
go. i never asked you for anything, except that one simple thing, please don`t lie to me.
but you still did. you lied to me left and right and that`s something
that will take a while to forget. i know i have told you a million
times you didn`t need to lie to me.. you had no business to lie to me..
i`ve nagged you about it in hopes that i will get through you.. that maybe somewhere in your heart you will find the courage not to lie.. and just tell me EVERYTHING that is going on.. but you never did and that`s what hurts the most.
but
you know through all this.. do you how many times i wanna pick up the
phone and call you? it sucks that i can`t get myself to hate you right
now. it sucks that despite all the shit you put me through, all your
lies, i`m still truly missing you.
it sucks that i still care about you regardless of how much you`ve hurt
me. there are so many times where i wish we could work things out
between us, but i know i will just get hurt in the process. and i really don`t want to hurt like that. so i hope you`ll understand why i did what i did. maybe one day i will get over it and i can look at you without wanting to be with you. please don`t be mad at my decision for cutting all ties with you. i`m just getting what i deserve. but for the mean time..please take care of yourself.. and know that i really do miss you..
lae
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
we
ended up talking the night he received this letter. he tried to
explain. i made sense of his story, his excuses. i went to bed thinking
i think i may have got through him. i told him i applied to UH. he was
excited, and i couldn't wait to be back in his arms. he told me he'd
sleep in the car if i ever kick him out of the apartment. i laughed, i
played along. i let myself believe. then one day, i knew we were just
fooling each other. i knew in my heart it wasn't going to go anywhere.
it may have been the distance. again, i cut all ties. i got along fine.
i would randomly call him, when i'd lose all self-control. and then
gain it all back. i got accepted to UH and decided that i'll be moving
back to hawaii. he was in the back of my mind. but i promised myself i
wouldn't let him know.
come to find out, my first weekend back
in hawaii, i picked up the phone and called him. he was around the
area, surprisingly. we met up and i felt myself being sucked into the
vicious cycle. back to the random text messages and random phonecalls,
and random hangouts. i tried to be "just friends". mixed emotions,
mixed signals. my friends had warned me, i lied to them about seeing
him again. i didn't care, i liked how he made me feel. i felt hopeful
once again, maybe this was our second chance.
somewhere along
that story, i came to some realization. at this point right now, i
don't know what it was. but something told me for the 50th time, i
wasn't getting what i deserve. and that was it. that was the last
straw. i reached the point of indifference.
a year after i
wrote that same letter, he called me. asking to hangout for his
birthday. "i'm getting deployed to iraq. it would be nice to hangout."
i'm not going to lie. i was yet again startled. but i've come too far
to let him do that to me again. i really wouldn't know what i'd feel if
i saw him again during that time. and at that point, i didn't bother to
find out. i told him, i couldn't make it, told him one last take care.
i got over it.
i can now eat thai food with no sense of bitterness what so ever.
and
i can seriously sit here and try to think of his number, which i tried
and tried to forget before, and i can honestly say that my mind goes
point blank.
i guess what i'm trying to say is..
you always, ALWAYS move on. |
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Thursday, November 08, 2007
(m a y b e)maybe that's how it works
we don't date.
you take it as it comes,
and as you engage yourself in "the situation",
not knowing where it will lead you,
you seriously just hope to god you don't get swept off your feet,
and experience a really bad FALL.
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care to look back >>
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